What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
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#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.