What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
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My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
North and South
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.