What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
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Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it