@cheers27402373 I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
@geowizzacist What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
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@cheers27402373 
@MensHumor You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
@cepheusjackson [SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
@ericsshadow Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
@LuzJoy2 My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
@Social_Mime My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
@Henry_3000 My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
@ADHDeanASL Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
@electrolemon damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
@LuckoftheDraw86 Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.