@geowizzacist

What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.

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@MensHumor

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

@cepheusjackson

[SCIENCE FAIR]

ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.

PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.

OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.

@LuzJoy2

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

@Social_Mime

My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.

@ADHDeanASL

Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter

@electrolemon

damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]

@LuckoftheDraw86

Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…

It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.

Amen.