What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
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Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
me irl
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.