What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
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Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”