What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
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Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks