What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
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*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
🚲+physics = winner
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
I have never related to a cat more
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
WWE is French for “yes”
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.