What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
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Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*