“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
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Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.