@mraggab_

What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.

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@heidi420x

“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”

@HeroineAddict

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

@Thelazyemperor

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.

@careworn

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?

@TheTweetOfGod

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.

@Fred_Delicious

“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”

@heyitsJudeD

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

@rsf788

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

@thenoahkinsey

I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.

Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.