What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
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Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
🙅🏻
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone