What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
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Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
San Francisco has too many rules
Kids, do not try this at home!
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
A game married people play.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.