[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
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[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.