What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
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[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.