What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.

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me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know


[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses


Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?

Batman: Sidekick

Robin: Close enough


Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?

A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.


[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?


I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.


I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.