What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
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Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.