What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
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[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.