What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
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Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “