what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
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Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I’m sure it’s fine.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.