what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
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Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Waiting for the Charmin
I support this random dude and all his protests
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Monday
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *