@Fun_Beard

What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?

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@fro_vo

Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster

Therapist: go on

Me: oh so you’re taking her side now

@DanMentos

The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online

@junejuly12

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

@SaraESpivey

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

@werehedgehog

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

@fuqtarded

On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.

@sweet_toof

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

@omically

a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread

@clichedout

[camping]

Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?

Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.