What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?

You Might Also Like


Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster

Therapist: go on

Me: oh so you’re taking her side now


The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online


When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard


I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.


Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.


On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.


Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”


a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread



Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?

Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.