What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
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This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Cause of death: Zumba
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.