What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
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Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
every single time