What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights

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warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?

me: yes, a final film

warden: ok, what do you want to watch

me: *smiles wide* the neverending story

[107 minutes later]

me: ok, that’s bullshit


I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.


Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%


Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂


Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.


I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.

*gets on knees and undoes your belt*


Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready

The same kid right beside me:


GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?

[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]

ME: car his keys.


Him: I think we should see other people

Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why


Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.