Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.

(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?

Me: *spits soup into bucket*

Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.

*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!

when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path

Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.

you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”

*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”

I’m bad at consoling dumped friends

4: What does antique mean?

Me: It means old-

4: Oh…like you?

H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.

Me:

H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.

If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.

It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this

Coffee for people with no kids

co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?

me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.

[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]

Me: lol buddy…

When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:

I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.

Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.

If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10

Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home

In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.

I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.

Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic

Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.