What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
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Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
lol
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow