What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
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If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Pizza is an emotion right?