@Fred_Delicious

What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper

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@vangobot

[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself

@thedad

[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*

@ArcTypeAngel

As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…

@daryl_licked

My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.

Me: What am I a pillow now?

Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.

I think we’re bonding.

@weinerdog4life

If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.

@TheNaique

Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.

@SardonicTart

“OMG why am I so sore?”

*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*

“Oh right.”

@kryzazzy

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

@SoNotThePoint_

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.