@wendymklassen
@abbycohenwl Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
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@abbycohenwl 
@slender_sherbet Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
@punmagnate Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
@JediGigi Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
@UncleDuke1969 “How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
@ceejoyner ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
@ChaseMit Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
@EricaWhoToYou [Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
@calluptome Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
@Darlainky My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.