@wendymklassen

What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??

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@abbycohenwl

Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over

@JediGigi

Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.

@UncleDuke1969

“How much for this toaster?”

“An arm & a leg.”

“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”

“A leg & 3 fingers.”

“Deal!”

– Cannibal Pawn Stars

@ceejoyner

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

@ChaseMit

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

@EricaWhoToYou

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.

@calluptome

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

@Darlainky

My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.