What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
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🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
beware of dog
(jukin media)
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Dishonest mechanic?
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.