What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
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Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.