@GrowlyGrego

What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?

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@alispagnola

Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.

@AndyAsAdjective

*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*

@filthspiration

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

@anerdonfire2

It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in

@Jennifergr8

Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.

@Bexdora

KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!

@online_shawn

My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA

@whatsJo

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

@myonlymizztake

Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.