My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
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An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.