@GrowlyGrego

What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?

You Might Also Like

@casual_koala

My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.

@TheTweetOfGod

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.

@SoVeryBritish

The British sentence that is never complete:

“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”

@Ivsy01

One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.

@Carter_TCB

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

@DBMaxP

Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!

@TheCiscoKidder

Wife: Go out for breakfast?

Me: Sure!

Wife: Ok, let me shower first.

*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*

Me: Where should we have lunch?

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

@cramoska

Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”