@GrowlyGrego
@alispagnola Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
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@alispagnola 
@AndyAsAdjective *takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
@filthspiration Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
@anerdonfire2 It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
@Jennifergr8 Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
@Bexdora KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
@online_shawn My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
@whatsJo [After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
@IamEveryDayPpl I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
@myonlymizztake Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.