What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
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[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
I would like even faster food.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”