What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
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Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians