What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
You Might Also Like
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Get in loser we’re going crying
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
he was correct
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”