What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
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DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Always leave them wanting their money back.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
what?
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.