What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
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shit, they caught us—run!!!
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
The funk soul brother
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.