What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
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Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.