@daemonic3

What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?

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@Cpin42

The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming

@InternetHippo

[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?

@Pork_Chop_Hair

You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.

@CroweJam

I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.

@LeonEarlgrey

I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.

@CulturedRuffian

My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.

@aveuaskew

Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!

@stanleybehrman

I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.