What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?

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The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming


[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?


You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.


I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.


I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.


My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.


Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!


I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.