I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
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The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.