@daemonic3
@BlackManMoney I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
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@BlackManMoney 
@Cpin42 The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
@InternetHippo [someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
@Pork_Chop_Hair You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
@CroweJam I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
@LeonEarlgrey I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
@a_simpl_man A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
@CulturedRuffian My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
@aveuaskew Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
@stanleybehrman I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.