What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
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It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline