What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
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SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
🖤✌🏽
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?