What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
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I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi