What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
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Beware…..
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Tuesday
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Found my door mat
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
#milo
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!