What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
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Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
“OMGJK” -atheists
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.