What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
You Might Also Like
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
me hitting on a model
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me