What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
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[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
This is why I hate group projects
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish