What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
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Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.