What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
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I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
What a website
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.