What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
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[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.