what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
You Might Also Like
Customize Your Wedding.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>