What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
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HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.