what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
You Might Also Like
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Had an epiphany today.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.