What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
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“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?