What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
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Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are