what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
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Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*