What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
You Might Also Like
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
guilty
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
A family that plays together cheats.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.