What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
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My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.