What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
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It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
there’s probably a fee though
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless